What if I loved myself the way Jesus expects me to?

(I’ve been stalling on writing this because I know once I've thought about it and written it I’ll have to stop feeling sorry for myself and overthinking stuff and actually get stuff done. and not for example hypothetically be writing this at four in the morning while drinking coffee because I don't want to do the trauma processing that will enable me to go to sleep at night on my own)

When I was growing up, I learned, mostly from my parents, that it was not okay for me to love myself, for me to ever think about my own needs, for me to ever seek comfort, and I had to be thinking about other people's needs all the time, that everybody was worth more than me and that putting myself first ever was sinful and evil

I unlearned some of this, but not as much as I should have done, I care about myself enough to keep my mental health as stable as possible, but even then I begrudge the things I do for that because I often don't think I’m worth it and I feel really guilty thinking about myself

I was loved when I was growing up, not by the people who were supposed to love me, but I can look back and see that I was loved and nurtured by various people, but I never felt loved. The first time I ever felt deep secure rock steady love was at 19 when I met the man who is now my husband. He is the only person I have ever met who can turn off the white noise in my head, It was only when I met him that I realised that the tension and pain that I carried in my back and my shoulders wasn't supposed to be there because he was the first person I ever felt really safe enough to relax with.

Our relationship trajectory has been complicated and we haven't been together for large chunks of the last twenty years, and we  have been off having relationships with other people for some of that time, but he was always there, always a calming influence when I needed it, always accepting me as I was. He was the first person who ever made me feel consciously that maybe caring about myself was ok. That maybe I was a person worth loving. But even still I haven't been very good at it over the years (Though I've definitely been getting much  better at it in the last two years, since I got my wheelchair.)

As I've been working stuff through recently I’ve been thinking a lot about Matthew  22:37- 40

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments

There just seems to be an expectation there that people will love themselves, it’s not even formulated as a commandment but a comparison because it’s so expected, and I think the way its written means they will love themselves first before their neighbours, not that they will love themselves more but that it’s perfectly okay to meet ones own needs before those of your neighbour?

(I know he said neighbour and he kind of meant everybody but lets start on a small scale and work outwards),

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a perfect friend, I can be harsh, sharp, judgmental, demanding, needy, moody and all those things are things that need work. But I am also fiercely loyal, generous, protective, compassionate, encouraging, thoughtful, honest, so if this is how I love my friends why isn't this how I love me?

What If I actually did what Jesus expects of me and loved myself the way I love my friends? (While simultaneously working on being a better friend and neighbour)

I’m under no illusions that this will be easy, sometimes Gods concept of love has sharper edges than we are used to, sometimes loving myself will be about keeping warm, having long hot baths, curling up with a cup of hot chocolate and a poetry book, all those things are good and I should let myself do more of them.  But it will sometimes be about learning the self discipline not to self sabotage, to do my trauma processing, to use my talents and aptitudes more often than I do, to feed myself properly every day rather than eating trash that I know is bad for me in someway, to talk back constantly to the voices in my head telling me I am worthless and useless and going to hell until they shut up and go away or at least soften. And then to forgive myself when I fail at all these things. And then start all over again

Just what if I did an experiment in that until Easter I wake up every morning and promised to try and love myself the way Jesus expects me to?